Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Last time i carry you out of a forest
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
