I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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