you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
