Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize