I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
