You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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