i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
