i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I will pee on everything he values.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
