Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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