Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize