his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
