If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
