We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
