You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
