3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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