so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize