Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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