He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
