dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just cut my nipple shaving
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize