If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
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