did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
