I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
