make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize