That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
