none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
