why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Randomize
