The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
