I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
