Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
