when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
