I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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