you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
