My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
