A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
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