i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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