i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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