Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
love makes seman taste better
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
