my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
