i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
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i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
