I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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