No, drunk sperm still make babies.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize