i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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