matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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