I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
