I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize