saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
