I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
