if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
