Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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