I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
