i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
