I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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