paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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