I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
