She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
