There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
