Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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