blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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