pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
