Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
