Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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