I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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