Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
