Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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