the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
