She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
