i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
