I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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