She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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